


where it all ends

by incrediblehyuck



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Self-Harm, dumb jaemin, idk - Freeform, implied hyuckhei, nomin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-08
Updated: 2018-05-08
Packaged: 2019-05-03 23:25:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,021
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14579928
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/incrediblehyuck/pseuds/incrediblehyuck
Summary: in which jaemin and jeno broke up, and jaemin is hurting, a bit.





	where it all ends

"you know what, jaemin? let's break up! i'm tired of this. it seems like i'm the only one who's making this relationship last and you don't care at all. whenever i kiss you, you don't kiss back. whenever i hug you, heck i don't even feel the warmth! i thought we were soulmates, jaemin, because i saw the spark, but i guess sparks are just sparks, they don't last at all," jeno snapped and tears started to spill from his eyes. being the manly teen he is, he angrily wiped his tears off and struggled to keep a straight face in front of his lover, former lover to be exact. 

jaemin just stood there, facing jeno, emotionless. 

"i'm sorry, baby," even the words that came out from jaemin, it was somewhat distant, robotic even.

and it was all that it takes for jeno to cry again. he didn't even restrain himself from letting those warm salty tears fall from his eyes. jeno is sad, he is broken, he is angry, he is disappointed with himself. he loved jaemin with all his heart but the latter didn't even stop him from breaking up with him, he didn't even defend himself. 

"d-did you even love me?" jeno asked and he was hesitant to do so. when he looked at jaemin's eyes, it was pure empty and jeno already knew the answer. of course, jaemin didn't love him. who would even love a mess like him?

"i loved you, jeno," jaemin answered. 

loved. that's it, jeno finally broke into pieces and he excused himself, no, he ran away from the younger. he ran and ran until he can't see jaemin anymore. but as the more steps he took, the more that his heart broke. 

▪ ▪ ▪

once jeno ran away from him, jaemin stood there, confused. what the fuck did jeno just do?

let's break up. jaemin furrowed his brows, what does that word mean? it's his first time hearing the word and he doesn't know what to feel. but, looking at jeno's face, his cheeks were wet with tears that looks like he's crying. oh, so he should be sad when jeno said that? 

jaemin frowned and he tried to slump his shoulders, a habit he always sees when jeno is "upset" with him. he walked away from the cafe and he went to his apartment.

when he went inside his apartment, he was met by his roommate donghyuck, scowling. 

is he angry? jaemin thought.

 

"hello, donghyuck. why are scowling? are you angry?" jaemin asked and he tilted his head to show his confusion.

"what the fuck? why am i scowling? of course i'm angry, you asshole! you broke jeno's heart. i'm gonna punch you so hard that you'll be sporting a map of bruise on your cheek," donghyuck snapped and he really is on the verge of punching the shit out of his roommate but he tries to calm himself down. as his boyfriend, yukhei said, "calm down."

"i broke his heart? is he still alive?" jaemin replied and that was what it all took for donghyuck to punch jaemin square in the face. donghyuck immediately grabbed his hand and cried in pain, it's like he's punching a wall, whilst jaemin remained unbothered, his confusion growing more every second.

"punching you is so painful, fuck. i'm just gonna use my words to wake you up. get ready," donghyuck said and he walked towards jaemin, grabbing a hold of the younger's collar.

"why did you do that, huh? jeno went here to grab his things and he's crying non-stop! i asked him what happened and he smiled bitterly, said that he broke up with you because he's tired. he even said that it seems like you're unbothered to even stop him. he doesn't feel the love already. shit, jaemin! why did you have to do that?! jeno loved you so much and you're just shitting on him? why didn't you stop him? you know that you can stop jeno's decision, right? he always gets calm and soft for you but you didn't even. shit, did you even love jeno, jaemin?

"why did you hurt him, jaemin? i feel so bad for jeno. as his boyfriend, you should be sensitive to his feelings. as clear as a day, you already know all the shits that he's been through and you shouldn't even add on the list! you are his happiness, nana. whenever he sees you, he immediately brightens up. he might act like he's uncomfortable whenever you flirt with him but he loves it! heck, whenever you hug him, that boy always shows his eyesmile and he taunts us with it!

"jeno loves you so much, but what did you do? he just said that to you because he's been stressed out these days. maybe he didn't even mean to snap, he just said that because he wants you to comfort him. what you did was so wrong, nana. i hope you apologize and fix everything before it's too late." donghyuck's features softened and he let jaemin go. 

and finally, jaemin frowned and pouted for real.

"i don't know why but my heart stings a little bit, hyuck. did i really hurt him that bad? i'm sorry." jaemin said. donghyuck cried and he buried his face on his roommate's chest, feeling frustrated with the stupidity of his bestfriend. 

▪ ▪ ▪

after that incident with donghyuck, jaemin walked out from his apartment and headed straight to jeno's house. i'm going to fix everything, he thought.

after a few soft knocks, the door immediately opened and he was met by a tired-looking mrs. lee.

"good day, mrs. lee. i want to know where jeno is? i wanted to talk to him," jaemin straightforwardly asked and mrs. lee laughed at the boy's honesty.

"yes, you should definitely go to his room. when he arrived here he's been ignoring me and he just headed straight to his room. i think he just needs to see your angelic face and he'll be happy all over again," mrs. lee smiled and she gave room for jaemin to enter the house then she locked the door.

jaemin bowed at the woman's hospitality and he walked to jeno's room. he visits jeno's house everyday and how can he not master the way to the older's room? he can even strut his way to the older's room whilst blindfolded!

jaemin knocked the door softly and after a minute, the door opens and he sees jeno. his once fresh-looking and handsome lover looked exhausted. his mesmerizing eyes were now red and swollen and heavy bags were sporting under his eyes. his nose is red like he has a cold. and his once fluffy hair is now disheveled and messy. the guy looked like a homeless man, begging for shelter, looking for a home, the homeless jeno is begging for jaemin's love.

"what are you doing here?" jeno bitterly spoke and he hissed when he heard his croaked voice.

"i'm sorry, my darling," jaemin said and he immediately hugged the older when he was about to close the door. they stayed like that for minutes, until he heard jeno's quiet sobs and he felt the older's shoulders shaking.

"i-it's fine, jaemin. you are already forgiven but i think we should maybe part ways for awhile. i've realized that i'm not deserving to be loved at all and i will just waste your time again if ever we'll be together again. i think i need time to mould myself into the better me, so that i will be lovable anymore. i'm also sorry, jaemin, for snapping like that. it was wrong of me to do that." jeno sheepishly said and smiled, sporting his eyesmile again and jaemin also smiled, this time warmly and wholeheartedly. 

"you're so cute, sweetheart," jaemin said, his deep voice sending shivers to jeno's spine and the older hugged jaemin once again. 

"stop calling me that," jeno muttered, his voice muffled by the fabric of jaemin's shirt.

"what, love?" 

"that!"

"i don't know what you're talking about, sugarplum."

"aish. shut up, you spoon!"

"okay, sexy bun," jaemin laughed and he ran away, leaving a flustered lee jeno.

"don't you ever come back, na jaemin!"

"jeno! shut up!" mrs. lee shouted and both of the boys laughed.

jeno is happy, and jaemin is happy.

▪ ▪ ▪

when jaemin came home, he didn't expect the apartment to be so dark and quiet.

aish, donghyuck left again? jaemin thought. yes, donghyuck always leaves the apartment to see his lover but that kid always comes home whenever the sun starts to set because he has to cook for jaemin yet. 

what should i do? the boy sighed. he doesn't really know how to cook because he always depends on donghyuck's cooking. he prefers homemade dishes more so when he gets hungry, donghyuck always groans because why did i even have a picky eater of a roommate like him? 

jaemin went to the kitchen to look for ingredients and he decided to cook tteokbokki. he's in the mood for tteokbokki today and it's the only food that he knows how to cook.

 

after cooking the tteokbokki, he eagerly put the dish on a bowl and he started to eat, savoring the delicious taste of the soup. while eating, he remembered the incident again, where he and jeno broke up.

he remembered the image of jeno crying in front of him, salty tears taunting him that he messed up, that he fucked up badly, and he closed his eyes. ouch. that hurt a little.

jaemin stared at the television in front of him and he sees his emotionless face, staring back at him. am i that numb? i'm a normal human, you know. i can talk, breathe, walk, and even see! but why can't i feel such emotions? people say that they cry when they feel the most intense emotions. 

jeno cried when he felt intense sadness earlier and i believe that i should cry at the situation earlier, too. but why didn't i cry? instead of my chest clenching and my heart breaking into pieces, i felt nothing. okay, maybe i felt something. but it was just a sting! and it didn't even hurt just a bit. 

the only intense emotion i felt in my whole life was when i smiled at jeno. it felt warm and . . . amazing. is that happiness? when you feel warm all over and you don't get tired of stretching your lips into a blinding smile. is that how happiness feels like? if it is, then congratulations to me. 

my heart stung a little bit earlier, is that counted as hurt or sadness? but i'm still not happy. i wanted to cry, i wanted to frown, i wanted to slump my shoulders without pretending. i wanted to do it with the real emotions that i am feeling. 

i just wanted to feel. i just wanted to be happy, angry, sad, afraid, embarassed, jealous. but why can't i? i don't want to feel empty anymore. i don't want to be emotionless anymore. 

heck, when hyuck punched me i didn't even feel pain! i was plain unbothered. what is happening to me?

uh, should i end myself already? no. jeno would be sad.

after a few minutes of having an internal battle with his self, jaemin heard the creaking of door and he heard his roommate, donghyuck, giggling. yukhei must have kiss him. i wish i could feel that, too.

jaemin shook his head and finished his tteokbokki. he tried not to talk to donghyuck, the older might beat him up to death when he knows that they broke up for real. but that would be a good idea, though, isn't it? donghyuck beating him up to death? might as well do it, so that he would not be hurting anyone anymore.

"so, what happened between you and jeno? did you get back together?" donghyuck asked jaemin as he took off his shoe, he seemed happy. 

"about that, jeno and i are in good terms now. however, he said that we should not try to restore our relationship for now. he needs time to think and reflect, he said," jaemin emotionlessly said and donghyuck frowned but smiled immediately. he walked towards jaemin and patted his cheek.

"don't worry, you'll just get back together, okay?" donghyuck assured and jaemin nodded.

"hyuck, did you eat already? say yes, please. the tteokbokki's already gone because i ate all of it, i was hungry. sorry."

"oh, yeah, sure! i already ate. yukhei took me to mcdonalds. i brought nuggets, would you like some?" donghyuck smiled and jaemin immediately grabbed the box, his heart stung a little when he realized that the box is aleeady empty.

"i hope yukhei breaks up with you, dumbass," jaemin growled and hyuck just laughed until his stomach hurt.

"oh, donghyuck. can i sleep with you? if you don't mind. i'm not feeling fine and i want to receive endless hugs from you right now," jaemin hesitantly said as he scratched the back of his nape. he felt . . . shy? 

"sure, nana! i'll just change my clothes, okay?" 

jaemin just nodded and decided to go the kitchen to discard his bowl then he headed to his room to change his clothes, too. after changing, he took his blanket and pillow then he walked to donghyuck's room and lied down on the older's bed.

"oh, jaemin! you're already here," donghyuck smiled but failed when he immediately yawned.

"sorry, i was really tired from earlier. yukhei took me to an amusement park and it was wild," the shorter said as he lied down beside jaemin and grabbed his own blanket to drape himself with it.

"it's fine, but please, hug me when you'll sleep."

"aww, little jaemin wants to be the little spoon? sure, buddy," donghyuck cooed and faced jaemin's back, wrapping his arm around jaemin's waist, the younger of the two feeling flustered. 

"shut up, donghyuck," he huffed and the taller of the two heard a giggle on the other side of the bed.

after a few moments, silence subsided until jaemin hears a soft snore and he hummed, staring at the lamp shade beside him. he winced and closed his eyes as the blinding light of the lamp shade hit his eyes so he gently turned around and he meets donghyuck's sleeping stature.

why can't i be like donghyuck? jaemin questions himself once again. he really admires the older for being true to himself. donghyuck is never ashamed to let out his emotions. when he's happy, he lets out a blinding smile. when he's angry, a scowl would be evident on his face. when he's sad, it's either he's frowning or he's crying. when he's jealous, he furrows his eyebrows. when he scared, he lets out multiple profanities from his pretty little lips and shouts occasionally.

[trigger warning: self-harm ; pleasepleaseplease if you're uncomfortable reading immediately close this story now. even i was uncomfortable of writing this but i gotta ;; jaemin's a curious little shit so here ,, ]

with that, jaemin remembered the times when his roommate would get fresh cuts every other day. the older would struggle to cover the cuts but sometimes, hyuck is careless enough inside the apartment so jaemin would see a clear view of it.

one time, curiosity took over jaemin and he bluntly asked what's on his roommate's arm so donghyuck, being the honest boy he was, he immediately lunged at his roommate and cried his heart out. jaemin listened to donghyuck cry and talk about the things that bothered him, jaemin just nodded, confused as to what was happening with his roommate but he kept quiet. 

jaemin realized that his roommate was cutting himself and jaemin can only frown, he can't imagine how painful that is to cut yourself.

jaemin snapped back to reality and widened his eyes. what if that is the answer to his worries? maybe if he cuts himself, he might cry and feel emotions again. i don't know why would jaemin even think of that but he is a little shit so as the narrator, i gotta go with the flow. i am sorry readers. 

he slowly peeled away from donghyuck's grasp and went to the kitchen to get a knife. being eager to solve his problems, he did not bother to return to the room and execute the action there. he might get too excited and wake donghyuck up. the older might beat his ass and he'll feel pain all over his body, so no thanks.

he sat on the cold floor and sighed. fuck, am i doing this right? what if i mess up and kill myself? breaking: a stupid kid named na jaemin accidentally kills himself while cutting his flesh open, the boy wants to feel emotion that's why he did it. what a stupid boy, right? jaemin rolled his eyes. 

"fine, jaemin. since you're already stupid, might as well do this, right? a simple, deep cut won't hurt, right? unless you can feel pain anymore. haha." jaemin sarcastically said to himself and once again he closed his eyes then sighed.

this is it.

jaemin slowly held the knife with his right hand and he held up his left arm, staring at his smooth, soft skin.

snap out of it, jaemin! now is not the time to be gay over yourself. you can do that later.

he closed his eyes. with trembling hands, he slowly lunged the knife in his arm and tilted his head in confusion. is this what skin is like? rubbery?

he shrugged the thought off and continued to slice his skin. it was time-consuming but still, he continued. after a few moments, he felt a tingling sensation. the knife might hit my muscle. 

slowly, he opened his eyes and he received the biggest shock of his life. maybe, he finally felt an emotion. shock. 

because what he saw was totally what he didn't expect. when he opened his eyes, wires under his soft, rubbery skin greeted him and just like that, he passed out.

or shut down, maybe. because he cut a single wire along the way.

**Author's Note:**

> jaemin jinxed himself :(((( hshshahs. thank you for reading this story! i'm sorry if there are grammatical errors along the way,,, english isnt my first language so yes. hahahaha.


End file.
